(Me wearing jeans, Vineyard t-shirt, LL Bean comfy sweater, right hand pulling roll aboard suitcase with stuffed Gap bag acting as purse balanced on top, left hand holding laptop in soft case with handle. At the entrance of the line to go through security. Enter stage left Generic Male Airline Guy.)
Generic Male Airline Guy (GMAG) to me: That suitcase looks too large. Come with me, we need to see if it fits in the carryon measurement bin.
Me to GMAG: I have a coat in there so it looks large.
GMAG: Why don’t you take it out and we’ll see if it fits in.
Me (taking out the coat): I was just trying to make it easy on myself.
Walking up to the two of us, a Generic Female Airline Woman (GFAW) to me: If you take that coat out, you can’t put it back in.
(I look confused.)
GFAW: If you take it out to fit the bag in the bin, you can’t put it back again.
Me, thinking “whatever” but saying: OK
GFAW: Now you have four carry on items, and you’re only allowed two.
(I look confused again.)
GFAW: You have the roll aboard, the bag, the laptop, and the coat.
Me (starting to get irritated): Can I put the coat on?
GFAW: Yes, you can put it on, but it will probably be hot. You still have three items.
(I put on my coat.)
GFAW: You’ll need to take the laptop out of the case and put the case in the roll aboard.
Me (definitely starting to feel a little like Kafka in ‘The Trial’): What?
GFAW (as if I hadn’t heard or was too stupid to have understood the first time): They’ll charge you if you have more than two items to carry on. (Points to the sign above the bin stating the rules)
Me: Where will they charge me? I’m going to change things around several times before I actually board the plane.
GFAW (ignoring my question): You’ll need to carry the laptop because it has to be put in the bin outside the suitcase, but you’ll have to put the case inside the roll aboard before going through.
Me (getting admittedly testy): Fine, I’ll take the laptop out before I get to the front of the line.
(GMAG stands by silently in case he needs to intervene and body slam me to the floor.)
GFAW: Look, Ma’m, I’m just trying to save you money.
(I look at her blankly, drop my head down as I shake it back and forth, and get into line.)
10 minutes later
I’ve made it through the first stage of the security check with no incident, and I’m sure thanks to GMAG and GFAW, no extra charges so far. I am to the x-ray belt with bin #1 containing my coat, liquids under 3 oz. all in one quart-size clear plastic baggie, and my cell phone, bin #2 containing my laptop (out of its case), and my shoes, and my roll aboard all on the table waiting to go through the x-ray machine. An airline pilot of some type asks politely if he can go ahead of me. I tell him that’s the most polite anyone’s been to me today. We agree it’s a sad state of affairs and he tells me all will be well after I leave the airport. As soon as he gets his 60 bags onto the belt in front of me, a woman in a coat barges in front of me and without saying a word begins to unload her cargo. She takes her coat off to reveal an airline uniform just in time to avoid whatever wicked, cutting remark I was about to come out with. Immediately following her, another GFAW pushes in front of me, ushering a young British couple through. Perhaps they were about to miss their flight…who knows, no one said a word except the guy behind me who was beginning to get as irritated as I. When the British couple’s belongings are all on the belt, I look back around the line and ask, “Anyone else?” No one comes forward, so I push my items through the car-wash-nylon strips and into the x-ray space. I go through the walk-through x-ray and wait on the other side for my items to emerge.
(Belt stopping)
Airline Security X-Ray Guy: Bag check on Lane 3.
(One, two, three, four minutes pass, and I wonder what kind of contraband the British couple are trying to smuggle on board)
Airline Security X-Ray Guy: Bag check on Lane 3.
(Airline Bag Check Guy arrives and pulls my Gap bag of the belt.)
ABCG (looking at me): Is this yours?
Me (wondering if they’re finally going to bust me for carrying my 4 oz. tube of Udderly Smooth Hand Lotion in my bag): Yes, that’s mine.
ABCG (thrusting his hand in and fishing out the can of ginger beer soda I had purchased yesterday for my cousin Greg – I had forgotten it was in there): If you want to drink this, you’ll have to go back on the other side of security and come through again.
Me (feeling both stupid and angry, and swearing a little more loudly than I had intended): No, that’s alright. It was a gift for someone else.
I gather the rest of my belongings and drag over to the re-load bench with tears in my eyes. I hate the terrorists in the world who have nothing better to do than ensure that I never get to give my cousin the can of ginger beer I bought behind the lines yesterday. Behind the lines where it’s legal to purchase something that contains more than 3 oz. of liquid.
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